From my window

I see the city as it awakes, bathed in the morning mist, giving the ethereal illusion of buildings emerging from a mystical nature, coming out from land before time

I see the highways jammed, as people hustle and bustle, attempting to reach their destinations safely and on time

I see helicopters gliding past buildings, flying across the horizon, gently resting down on the nearby police headquarters

I see the last rays of the sun resting upon the roof tops of houses and hostels, bathing them in a myriad of colours- shining gold, with slow steady red undertones, blue glimpses and finally the peaceful dusk

I see the landscape dark yet aglow, the skyline etched out with bright lights in the horizon, but closer to home, the roads are empty, time slows down, illustrating my path- the road less taken

I see the flashing blue and red lights, leave the morgue, going past the hospital, headed towards the place of the dead,

I see the faces I’ve seen in times past and present, reminding me of life, both now and in the future

From my window, I see how in the dark of the night, when no one is out there, peace still exists

If only you would sit, with your windows open, and be still...

every day i become more and more painfully aware of how little i know about medicine, about people and about life
every day without fail there are incidents that hammer into me, the futility of it all
every day this hole pulls me in deeper and deeper
every day i realize just how much i need You cuz there's nothing and none left

¹How long, O Lord? Will you forget me for ever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
²How long must I bear pain in my soul,
and have sorrow in my heart all day long?
How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?

³Consider and answer me, O Lord my God!
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep the sleep of death,
⁴and my enemy will say, ‘I have prevailed’;
my foes will rejoice because I am shaken.

⁵But I trusted in your steadfast love;
my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.
⁶I will sing to the Lord,
because he has dealt bountifully with me.

Psalm 13, new revised standard version

today i got reminded repeatedly how useless, stupid and clumsy i'm
went on and on

didn't help that the nurses were scolding me for standing there like a stupid donkey and not knowing or doing anything
even the doctors wanted to give me a chance but couldn't do so due to certain influences
was going to cry, then pinched myself - med students aren't supposed to be babies and buckle under pressure

took out my gloves for the 3rd time in a row, when an MO asked me to stay and watch
bit my tongue and nodded
i think the MO guessed what was going on cuz the MO kept talking in a comforting manner
the MO asked some questions that no one else had asked before -among them "do you really want to be a doctor?"
and i answered truthfully, kinda vented out stuff
but as we kept talking, i realised that all the frustrations had slowly ebbed away
was able to forgive the nurses and others then
guess i was like a nervy horse who just needed some kind words
being able to just talk was also calming in a sense - haven't been able to do that either for a long time


later, managed to do a procedure with a cheerful, helpful nurse and an amazing patient,
patient even remembered me from a few days ago, where i got to do another procedure on her
and another MO took me aside to go through abdominal examination in O&G -got reminded to practice
went around trying to find "guinea pigs" to practice my examination but ended up checking in on my pt and her baby, and just encouraging other patients who were in pain

guess God knows when to encourage me

1. sinusitis cleared
2. in O&G now, still prefer children's health over women's anytime
3. very tired with all the standing, walking and moving we do (plus the long hours). still tisn't as bad as some of the final year elective students had it in their institutions - oncall from 6pm to 6am.
4. pondering over this week, realised that GOD has done a lot of good things for me. but somehow, there' ve been bad things too. like certain missing items, which are driving me anxious despite knowing that i'm not supposed to worry. like certain things that happened
5. i finally understood for real, how dangerous medicine is. life and death in your power, one wrong move be it "an ommision or commision" (legal terms) and lives could be altered dramatically. dear God, help me deal with it, to learn and move on.

right, quick update.

2 things on my mind

1. glad everything's cleared up. somehow, in the moment of greatest ache, He put balm into this wounded soul. and i'm glad He did cuz it's good to be back with friends.

2. got sinustis :( my nose is alternately clogged up (dizziness at times) and dripping profusely.
Cell-ies urged me to go see ENT, i dun want.... blame it to not wanting to be a regular at the ENT clinic esp after last year.

one more addition
3. O&G (HSA block) starting tmrw.