So i'm entering the 27th consecutive week of 5th year (without breaks). yeah it's pretty gruelling, albeit we (as in not just me, but most Monash meddies that i know) are taking it slow and easy. Yeah once we start working- we'll never get to go out for lunches, or leave hospital one or two or 5 or 6 hours earlier than 5pm. but somehow i still feel exhausted. 3 different countries in 3 different continents with 3 different health care systems in the space of 7 months...could it be due to burnout (which is a tad ridiculous IMHO cuz i haven't even started working yet, so i shouldn't be complaining -lol) OR could it be that i'm just sick and tired of medicine??
honestly at this point i feel like being a weather girl, or teacher, or some TV/radio show host (LOL!!!)i'd like to travel the world with friends, with no expectations/responsibilities, just taking it slow and easy, to be able to drink in the perfume of each place and savour the local atmosphere.
For those who are more familiar with where i am now, you'd be thinking i complain too much, when i seemingly have everything here. don't get me wrong.
- Yes, i love the beauty (nature, architecture, art etc) that surrounds this place, love the fact that i'm staying right next to the river and drink in the sights (and sea air) luxuriously all that i want. Love how when i walk next to the river, the breeze whips my hair up and creates all this curls, and leaves me literally rosy red (with a HUGE smile and a joy in my step).
- Love the fact that meals here are simple and easy to prepare (supermarkets here are AWESOME! they actually have everything and i mean everything here!)
- Love the fact that melting pot of cultures that resides in this cosmopolitan city and also the blend of food that arises from it.
- Love the fact that there's such a wide variety of shopping available here (and they have my size too).
- Love the fact that there's all these landmarks and places that people from ancient ages until now, personalities and famous characters of all sorts have walked in these places before. that everything i've read or imagined or been dreaming off is finally unveiling itself- which enables me to appreciate this land even more.
- Love that it's so easy to hop in to church here and just sit down and talk quietly with Him.
- Love that i have family here. Their tips, care and support have been of immense help to me.
- Also appreciate the fact that i can see things that aren't happening back home e.g. percutaenous repair of PFO/ASD, TAVI, Mitra clip etc etc
BUT (and there's a very big but coming on) it's rather lonely doing new things, seeing all these famous landmarks.
- Yea, it's fun and exciting watching and walking around all these places, but at the end of the day, when there's no one to take pictures of me at this places, no one to talk and laugh with, no one to eat with, no one to travel with, no one to share my joy or just randomly chat and chill with- it can get very lonely at times.
- And yes, in terms of the medical establishment, most doctors are busy. they don't take time off for lunch even. While they do make time to layan me & my questions, social wise- let's just say that i get on with non-medical personnel and patients better than doctors.
- The local medical students are off on break so it's just me in this huge, suburban old hospital (with toilets far and few in between! + no park/place to sit and chill + staff cafeteria has very limited space, so most ppl tend to take away or eat in 15-20 mins with friends).
- People here are also very different in their approach, they don't hesitate to tell you what their opinions are and the melting pot of multi-culturism that i mentioned earlier - yeah, you deal with the smartest and brilliant people in the field here (which is not an understatement).
- They're also very fashionable (which doesn't help with de self esteem much) and their physical physique -gosh 90% of the population walk faster than me (and i walk fast for an asian girl). they're so fit as well!! morning jogs + tennis +swimming + running/cycling to and from work + gym *shudders*
- another big issue for me is that- while there's a lot of churches/chapels around, they're so steeped in traditionalism that everything is just a ritual (mostly mournful). God how i miss COP so much. it's so hard to find spiritual heartbeats here (which thank God i have found one close by).
LOL! i have been ranting for far too long. But honestly if there's one thing that i've learnt in all this is that God brought me here for a reason. Whether it's to see things from a new perspective, to teach me to appreciate the many blessings He's given me, or to teach me how to trust Him anew. Trust is currently a big issue for me personally though- all these questions about where i work, about my future, about "permanent company" to quote Mau Ren. It's one thing knowing that you're supposed to do this, or that or trust God, but it's another thing to let it sink deep down into your heart and actually do it (esp without complaining and murmuring and questioning Him every day).
O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Psalm 139:1-3
When you don't know the next step...
I see you peering down the path.
Wondering, can I do this?
Am I enough?
Yes to both....And then asking, Do I take this step?
I've asked this question too...staring at the ceiling in the night, over coffee with friends, driving in my car.
Then I think of this verse, this bit of wisdom from Proverbs 19:21--
You can make many plans, but the Lord's purpose will prevail.
If we've prayed, asked wise counsel, then we can go with confidence. Even if our first step is imperfect, perhaps not even in quite the right direction, God will align us with His purpose by the end.
But here's the thing.
You can't redirect someone who is standing still.
Yes, there are seasons for staying.
This is about the seasons of going, setting out, those times when your heart is restless and your feet are ready.
If that's you then go without fear.
God is with you, for you, behind you, and ahead of you.
And even if you lose your way for a bit. Even if you grow weary. Even if you don't know which direction to go at times. His purposes will prevail.
Take that step, woman of courage.
And know that love goes with you all the way.
