listening to songs,
songs that used to minister to me
but now...are just music and lyrics

going through everyday
on autopilot
feeling disconnected
laughing forcedly (it comes out a tad hollow)

trying hard to hold on to funny moments
but failing

trying to find comfort in the prescence of dear ones
but it's gets too close for comfort, too stifling,
and i end up withdrawing,
gasping for air

all the talk, all the expressions,
just a long list of sounds from people,
mouths moving
but i'm not processing what they're saying

tiredness, fatigue
it's like i've just taken some antihistamines (allergy medication)
head feels heavy, hands at times feel like lead

appetite's gone
feel cold easily
no interest in things
not even in neuroanatomy and forensics
i look at books (medical, fiction, nonfiction -all the same)
and i don't get the urge to pick it up and see what it's about
watching tv....
i can actually get up and turn it off while favourite shows are on

each day, i long for night so that i can sleep
but when it comes, sleep eludes me
i search for it but to no avail

walk through the unit
realising how empty it is
looking out at through my window
seeing things
feeling so lost
then the huge wave of emotions engulf me

then today,
for the first time the thought actually struck me
had i really made a mistake 2.5 years ago?
am i actually on the right path??
would i.....
could i .... give it up.... Voluntarily????

then when the realisation of what i just had thought hit me,
fear came, panic arose,
fighting hard to quell it,
went about doing stuff on autopilot,
came back, opened the cupboard,
a similiar thought came up
can i run away from things????

dear GOD,
i can't go on like this
with no joy
no interest
please do something
before it's too late....

Help, God

Eloi, Eloi, Lama sabach tani