On the eve.....

time does fly
seems like just yesterday that I moved down to JB for my clinical years
and now barely few hours from now, I hit 21

this birthday will be quiet
just like my previous b’days
I will cut my cake with my parents, sis and maid
And tmrw will be spent doing paperwork in the morning,
followed by an evening at home just like every other day

I know ppl will be prodding me to go out and celebrate after all it’s my 21st
But how to if there’s no one around?
And in any case
I’ve done so much this year that I’m grateful for
I’m thankful that I’ve been given a chance to be a blessing to others
Just to hear people vent, or give them a shoulder to cry on,
To be able to spread peace, goodwill and tidings of great joy in what ever means possible to those who needed it
I’m glad that the baton for organizing b’day parties has been passed from me to others
And I’m honestly glad that everyone who turned 21 this year was given a proper bash
Like Fitri (whose birthday was celebrated in a big way the first time this year),
Like Chris, Min Chiee and Mau Ren whose 21st were during the exam period but still got something done

This year, God’s taught me so many things that I don’t know where to start
All I do know is I’m thankful and really grateful that I’m living to see each day
And though God has far greater things in store for me, more things He wants me to do,
I can’t do it without Him, only step by step as He leads me

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow
Because He lives, all fear is gone
Because I know, I know He holds the future
And life is worth the living just because He lives

C.h.r.i.s.t.m.a.s

The first Christmas advertisement courtesy of Starbucks appeared on tv a fortnight ago,
City Square staff have hung banners and started preparing the mall for Christmas
Singaporeans are actively broadcasting the activities and promotions that are occur during this festive period
today, when i passed this quaint Italian restaurant in Pelangi,
they had a traditional Christmas scene with the evergreen tree and soft golden lights that gleam and fade according to various melodies
even Monash JB is having a meet Santa + mini Christmas celebration at the end of the month

Christmas is the one event in the year that i look forward to
the enchanting Christmas carols that one hears
the gorgeous and sparkly decorations on sale next to the traditional ornaments
wreaths and candles of different sizes with tall, regal, evergreen Christmas trees
colourful and shimmering baubles, shiny tassels, and best of all the Nativity scene
the delicious smell of food cooking in the oven,
the customary turkey and stuffing with cranberry sauce(my favorite), Shepard's Pie, tomato and nut chutney, grandma's chicken curry, traditional cookies, DESSERT =)

the only time where i get to spend time with cousins and extended family
organizing and participating in church activities e.g. caroling or dramas
it's the time where "peace and goodwill" is practiced diligently and the time where i feel especially close to Him
the Almighty One willingly became a small frail babe so God's purpose could be done and we could come back to Him

to put in short, Christmas is the only time of the year where i walk with an extra flounce and flourish in my step, and where u can see the sparkle in my eye

and i'm to be denied all of the above this year
any wonder why my heart bleeds?

The good side

Looking back, reading through my past entries, this cold hard fact stared at me in the face
--> i've been griping a lot about medicine

Yes, this blog is a form for me to vent and let loose
but this is one imbalance that i have to correct

Truth be told,
i've always doubted whether i could be a doctor
too delicate and impetous
not being able to grasp practical things easily
too fearful of trying new things, cuz i was scared of failure

Didn't help that i started with surgery :S
don't get me wrong, surgical rotation is necessary cuz after all we're getting an MBBS (bachelor of Medicine and Bachelor of Surgery)
but it definitely wasn't my cup of tea
starting with orthopedics, horrible circumstances in my 1st gen surgery posting, and my surgical nightmare --> suturing
all lead me to question whether i had the heart and drive to continue

Then Sem 2 started and i began my medical rotation,
not only was it so much more wider than surgery
not only did it require you to know, grasp and think way more
it was very scary...(not helping the fears at all)
but then i met Prof Khalid
i think that one sentence speaks volumes

yes, lots of ppl disliked his unorthodox style of teaching,
but what was important was he encouraged us to play detective and be a lawyer
through his eyes, things began to make more sense
but when i got him as my MCR tutor, i was scared beyond reason
i mean, c'mon, he's the HEAD OF THE CLINICAL SCHOOL, a PROFESSOR who expects way higher standards from you... and worse still HE MAKES PEOPLE DO MCRS at least twice!!!!!
very bad for someone who's scared stiff of failure and letting people down

to cut a long story short, i did my MCR- my first cardio examination, and i did badly
but he made me do it again (first time i re-did any exam in my life)
not before making me promise practising on 2 cases each day
second time i passed

Lesson he taught me--> never be afraid to try, even if you fail

that calmed my fears a bit- or so i thought

Year 3s have a clinical skills logbook that must be filled completely by the end of year,
we need to practice our skills, (history taking/examining, venapuncture, inkection, PR examination etc.)
I filled up 85% except the iv cannulation part...
my first one at Mahmoodiah was succesful
then 1 month later went to A&E to try and get the other 2 signatures
the first night, i did at least 7 iv cannulations --> all of which failed
also did 4-6 venapuncture for FBEs --> only one succesful
you can imagine what that did to my confidence
especially since my venapucture section in the logbook was all filled, and i had since then practiced venapuncture twice with a 50-70% success rate
didn't help that i watched my friend who was also there that night do at least 8 iv cannulations, ALL of which were succesful

i tell you, by the end of the night i was so depressed and just gave up

next day, dragged myself again to try and practice ...albeit half-haertedly
and thank GOD, i got my iv cannulation completely signed off

again the lesson learnt was --> fail once, fail twice, fail lotsa times, continue trying until you get it

*sigh*

trust me - medicine isn't good for your ego/confidence at all

anyhow today went to wards to clark patients for bedside
sat down and talked to an elderly lady just for fun
and she was asking about how life was as a medical student
as i sat and talked to her about my fears, and disappointments
she listened and encouraged me to go on

and then i realised, maybe it's not so bad after all

looking back, there's lots of hidden gems in the year,

• the ENT posting,
• the 2nd gen surgery posting
• having Mr Razak, and especially Mr Farouk for tutors
• the medical rotation
• learning about different diseases
• being able to jsut observe, take a history, examine patient and just come to a diagnosis
• hearing a term, and actually understanding it and how it fits into the picture^.^
  

there's loads more ...
but lesson learnt is that
around every bend, there's flowers and thorns
there are bees and honey
it's up to one to let the thorns hurt you so much that you neglect the flowers
or to suck the honey from the sting

also the most important thing,
you can never do this without God
it's only through the One Upstairs's help that you're able to offer some help to those who need it,
one can never minister healing to others without having the Teacher, the Great Physician and the Master Creator by your side to guide you through it all

It's that stress filled time of the year again

Here's what third years have to look forward to these coming few weeks

1. Clinical logbook and assignments due 11 November
2. OSCE stems out a week before, approximately 13 November
3. OSCEs (practicals using simulated patients and clinical scenarios) on the 19th of November
4. Written paper EMQ - 24 November

Complicating matters

• 60 PBLs (tutorials which form the syllabus - each one can cover about 50 pages of textbook info crammed into 3 hours, or sometimes one PBL can cover 3-10 diseases/conditions)
• 26 Pathology quizzes (covering anatomy, physiology, pathology and clinically relevent material of more than one condition)
• Evidence Based medicine
• Occupational Health
• Environmental Medicine
• Health, Law & Ethics
• the bleakness beyond the exam period

Time to break the glass of complance and hit the panic button