The good side

Looking back, reading through my past entries, this cold hard fact stared at me in the face
--> i've been griping a lot about medicine

Yes, this blog is a form for me to vent and let loose
but this is one imbalance that i have to correct

Truth be told,
i've always doubted whether i could be a doctor
too delicate and impetous
not being able to grasp practical things easily
too fearful of trying new things, cuz i was scared of failure

Didn't help that i started with surgery :S
don't get me wrong, surgical rotation is necessary cuz after all we're getting an MBBS (bachelor of Medicine and Bachelor of Surgery)
but it definitely wasn't my cup of tea
starting with orthopedics, horrible circumstances in my 1st gen surgery posting, and my surgical nightmare --> suturing
all lead me to question whether i had the heart and drive to continue

Then Sem 2 started and i began my medical rotation,
not only was it so much more wider than surgery
not only did it require you to know, grasp and think way more
it was very scary...(not helping the fears at all)
but then i met Prof Khalid
i think that one sentence speaks volumes

yes, lots of ppl disliked his unorthodox style of teaching,
but what was important was he encouraged us to play detective and be a lawyer
through his eyes, things began to make more sense
but when i got him as my MCR tutor, i was scared beyond reason
i mean, c'mon, he's the HEAD OF THE CLINICAL SCHOOL, a PROFESSOR who expects way higher standards from you... and worse still HE MAKES PEOPLE DO MCRS at least twice!!!!!
very bad for someone who's scared stiff of failure and letting people down

to cut a long story short, i did my MCR- my first cardio examination, and i did badly
but he made me do it again (first time i re-did any exam in my life)
not before making me promise practising on 2 cases each day
second time i passed

Lesson he taught me--> never be afraid to try, even if you fail

that calmed my fears a bit- or so i thought

Year 3s have a clinical skills logbook that must be filled completely by the end of year,
we need to practice our skills, (history taking/examining, venapuncture, inkection, PR examination etc.)
I filled up 85% except the iv cannulation part...
my first one at Mahmoodiah was succesful
then 1 month later went to A&E to try and get the other 2 signatures
the first night, i did at least 7 iv cannulations --> all of which failed
also did 4-6 venapuncture for FBEs --> only one succesful
you can imagine what that did to my confidence
especially since my venapucture section in the logbook was all filled, and i had since then practiced venapuncture twice with a 50-70% success rate
didn't help that i watched my friend who was also there that night do at least 8 iv cannulations, ALL of which were succesful

i tell you, by the end of the night i was so depressed and just gave up

next day, dragged myself again to try and practice ...albeit half-haertedly
and thank GOD, i got my iv cannulation completely signed off

again the lesson learnt was --> fail once, fail twice, fail lotsa times, continue trying until you get it

*sigh*

trust me - medicine isn't good for your ego/confidence at all

anyhow today went to wards to clark patients for bedside
sat down and talked to an elderly lady just for fun
and she was asking about how life was as a medical student
as i sat and talked to her about my fears, and disappointments
she listened and encouraged me to go on

and then i realised, maybe it's not so bad after all

looking back, there's lots of hidden gems in the year,

• the ENT posting,
• the 2nd gen surgery posting
• having Mr Razak, and especially Mr Farouk for tutors
• the medical rotation
• learning about different diseases
• being able to jsut observe, take a history, examine patient and just come to a diagnosis
• hearing a term, and actually understanding it and how it fits into the picture^.^
  

there's loads more ...
but lesson learnt is that
around every bend, there's flowers and thorns
there are bees and honey
it's up to one to let the thorns hurt you so much that you neglect the flowers
or to suck the honey from the sting

also the most important thing,
you can never do this without God
it's only through the One Upstairs's help that you're able to offer some help to those who need it,
one can never minister healing to others without having the Teacher, the Great Physician and the Master Creator by your side to guide you through it all