just a quick note to say all's not dead. as the last post illustrates, i'm done with uni. am currently busy straddling paperwork and the move, preparing to work in Jan, catching up with friends (old and new). not really in the mood to talk a lot now, maybe later. but until we meet again, Merry Christmas :D

Back to Base

it's the last day of back to base, last day of year 5, last day of medical school.

when i walk out of here, it'll be no longer as a student, but rather a member of the healthcare community.

after this all these familiar faces that surround me in the lecture theater listening intently to the lecturer, will not be so familiar. Half of us will depart for the land down under to begin work there, while the other half will be remain here. some will officially graduate in Dec, while others in March.

and yesterday unfortunate news bout a dear friend knocked on my door.

despite that very semangat-ed brave speech i wrote, the reality is i don't want to leave, don't wanna grow up nor do i want to say goodbye.

but the time has arrived to do so

going home for the weekend =)

am done with med school.

3 weeks into rotation 7, finished with extra dermato posting.

went home for the weekend. gosh i miss home so badly. i miss de home cooked food, miss the constant music from the piano, miss the love and warmth, miss the familiarity of places, miss the garden (though it's a tad overgrown atm, but it still gives me that rustic, other worldly feel, with the weather worn swing nestled btwn the leafy canopy)

on the other hand i'll miss JB. miss my med classmates (we've really become like a family, having each other for the past 5 years, watching everyone grow for better and for worse, we've had our share of squabbles, and fights, but we've also learnt to put aside our differences to work for the better good e.g. extension of deadlines in yr 2, rallying de faculty to reinstate the AUS$3500 grant in yr 4). will definitely miss my JB/COP family- God only knows how much i've grown and learnt within these past 3 years from them. and my heart aches knowing that it'll be some time since i see them again. everyone (from the adorable babes, hyper toddlers, quiet adolescents, angsty teens, and all my peers w strong characters. never have i had so many "siblings" from my big sis Shae Lynn, to brothers Tze Yang (python), Kah Yong, ah Ching (Edmund), and de darling babies JoAsher, Nathan, Marissa *hugs*

but coming back to home has made me realise some things:

1. the amount of travelling that i've done within the past 5 years - gosh, it's tremendous! moved places moved 3 times before this year, and 4 times this year alone
2. the bonds built up with close friends
3. the opportunities received (far beyond what i imagined)
4. there's still more to do, learn and live
5. fraility of life - Mr Nada (my tuition teacher) passed away yesterday. but this is for another post.
6. no matter where i go, what i do, i can always come home to rejuvenate, reconnect, and refresh myself.

though this time around, i was certainly taken aback by mum's decision to use my old clothes to cover the growing jackfruits from birds, squirrels, insects and goodness knows what. the sight of my old PJs and tshirts from a decade ago, certainly brought me to a standstill as glimpses of the years past flashed through my mind. sitting by the piano stool, twirling around, hesitatantly fingering the ivory and ebony keys, brought to remembrance the times when teacher June used to sit patiently by my side, her ever cheerful face wrought with exasperation/frustrations at my playing. but my debt of gratitude to her is huge for she taught me beyond the usual classical music, and demonstrated musical appreciation and arrangements. her style of teaching though unorthodox, certainly kept me in line, and i am what i am because she nurtured that gift along.

however the spot that raised the most memories, were the cool, well worn tiles by the window where i used to sit regularly be it on hot sunday afternoons, or cool post thunderstorm evenings, devouring a book in my hand. twasn't any different this time around. sitting there, gazing into the garden, towards the end of a cool shower, whilst loosing myself in fiction land, brought back that sense of satisfaction, a lil girl curled up in a good book, lost to time & space had, that sweet childhood happiness and joy, together with that confidence, that sense of security in her father's unfailing love.

funny how one visit back home starts you on all these different thought lines. but i'm glad i did =)

my prayer

of late it's growing on me the realisation that i seem to be preoccupied with matters within my sphere that solely concern an ever shrinking circle of people. may have been partly spurred by Louisa Alcott's writing. anyhow, that set the gears moving, and this came. (it's doesn't have all the eloquence the silent heart-to-heart prayer had but it'll have to do)

Help me Lord to focus not on myself but on You

not to be cowed by self pity, fear and worry

not to loose heart so easily

nor to be preoccupied by my sorrows, wants and needs

to realise that it's not all about me

or about how life seems hard and unfair

Help me dear Friend to reflect on Your goodness and grace

Help me my Counsellor to think about others

to meditate on good thoughts,

never allowing the idle mind create a workshop for evil

but instead to focus on others

to shine a lil hope and light wherever and whenever possible

to bring a smile, a lift to the weary heart

and when it seems that the flesh is winning,

help Lord to steer this quaking vessel through the stormy seas

back to the safe haven of the still waters,

back into Your safe and trusted arms, my Father

Timbaland - If We Ever Meet Again ft. Katy Perry

the song that i can't stop singing now. Timbaland's a really good singer actually. maybe he should just give up rapping and produce/sing songs instead -hehe.

questions

torn into 2

spending time in medicine - i've learnt to love the field and the work, the immense variety of diseases here in med is amazing and so fulfilling (with all the observation and deduction to be done) something which you'll certainly never get in Melb. also the amount of skills learnt here as a hseofficer is spectacular as well. and would take years to do in Melb. but what am i saying? all of these were taken into account when i considered the position

but now.

my earlier decision of going to XY is receiving flak from ppl here. esp when i say i wanna come back. they laugh or cynically snicker. most of the response is because they want me to stay here which i can understand. but do they know how housemanship is really like? that i wouldn't have time to go church? will they really make the effort to keep in contact, to come and see me? will they genuinely miss me or are they going to miss the piano?

which makes me wonder if i really can do so?

and above all the nagging bit that keeps telling me i'm meant to be here...

what do i do Lord?

Notable moments of the past rotation

• supervisor telling me seriously "please don't do forensics"
• the lady who helps with the housework commenting "yeah i can see the resemblance btwn you and your uncle"
• watching the pt as we break the news that all medical mx is failing and that we have to refer pt to transplant center - pt's face crumbles and for one moment it seems that pt's about to break down, but then pt holds in it, dignified choosing instead to thank the team for trying their best
• Bath- having proper English tea in the oldest teahouse available, walking in Austen's footsteps, seeing the Roman ruins
• sitting in the park, watching vessels go up and down the Thames, with the Royal Naval College right opposite me - choosing to reflect & dream
• taking Georgie & Leyka to McDs
• having a proper chat with the couple over cheese & biscuits, about the past, present and looking forward to the future, sharing God's grace and mercies and praying together
• that brief moment where she finally allows me to hug and kiss her
• walking with KT & Erica around Westminister & waterloo
• Elderly pts -some wishing me the very best and giving encouraging words. one crying out his worries and fears after the sudden turn of events
• Ah Ching's encouraging words just as i start the rotation
• receiving the email
• watching live classical concert at St James Cathedral
• he gave me the LGM
• tapas with the family

Imagine

if you had the power to read minds or hear thoughts, how would it be?

Pros:

• you'd know who's real and who's faking it
• you'd know what people really think of you (which in high school was a very sought after trait/ability esp in BGRs)
• it'd save lots of time when you wish someone would jsut get to the point (e.g. convulated politicians, news, the aunty next door who never seems to be able to shut up)
• you'd have the power to use/hurt/blackmail people because you know their secret thoughts
• very good interrogation method =p

Cons:

• you'd be bombarded with thousands of things (simple, nonsense, useless, crap thoughts tat people think when they're zonin out or bored) that you'd be overloaded and pass out
• the truth would be too painful to bear (refer to pros)
• with the power to use/hurt people, you became hurt. disillusionment and loss of hope soon follow
• nothing surprises you and miracles cease to exist anymore (think weary adults loosing their child like faith)

makes me think twice about what i'd like to wish for.

plus, i wonder - how does HE do it?

Rantings

So i'm entering the 27th consecutive week of 5th year (without breaks). yeah it's pretty gruelling, albeit we (as in not just me, but most Monash meddies that i know) are taking it slow and easy. Yeah once we start working- we'll never get to go out for lunches, or leave hospital one or two or 5 or 6 hours earlier than 5pm. but somehow i still feel exhausted. 3 different countries in 3 different continents with 3 different health care systems in the space of 7 months...could it be due to burnout (which is a tad ridiculous IMHO cuz i haven't even started working yet, so i shouldn't be complaining -lol) OR could it be that i'm just sick and tired of medicine??

honestly at this point i feel like being a weather girl, or teacher, or some TV/radio show host (LOL!!!)i'd like to travel the world with friends, with no expectations/responsibilities, just taking it slow and easy, to be able to drink in the perfume of each place and savour the local atmosphere.

For those who are more familiar with where i am now, you'd be thinking i complain too much, when i seemingly have everything here. don't get me wrong.

• Yes, i love the beauty (nature, architecture, art etc) that surrounds this place, love the fact that i'm staying right next to the river and drink in the sights (and sea air) luxuriously all that i want. Love how when i walk next to the river, the breeze whips my hair up and creates all this curls, and leaves me literally rosy red (with a HUGE smile and a joy in my step).
• Love the fact that meals here are simple and easy to prepare (supermarkets here are AWESOME! they actually have everything and i mean everything here!)
• Love the fact that melting pot of cultures that resides in this cosmopolitan city and also the blend of food that arises from it.
• Love the fact that there's such a wide variety of shopping available here (and they have my size too).
• Love the fact that there's all these landmarks and places that people from ancient ages until now, personalities and famous characters of all sorts have walked in these places before. that everything i've read or imagined or been dreaming off is finally unveiling itself- which enables me to appreciate this land even more.
• Love that it's so easy to hop in to church here and just sit down and talk quietly with Him.
• Love that i have family here. Their tips, care and support have been of immense help to me.
• Also appreciate the fact that i can see things that aren't happening back home e.g. percutaenous repair of PFO/ASD, TAVI, Mitra clip etc etc

BUT (and there's a very big but coming on) it's rather lonely doing new things, seeing all these famous landmarks.

• Yea, it's fun and exciting watching and walking around all these places, but at the end of the day, when there's no one to take pictures of me at this places, no one to talk and laugh with, no one to eat with, no one to travel with, no one to share my joy or just randomly chat and chill with- it can get very lonely at times.
• And yes, in terms of the medical establishment, most doctors are busy. they don't take time off for lunch even. While they do make time to layan me & my questions, social wise- let's just say that i get on with non-medical personnel and patients better than doctors.
• The local medical students are off on break so it's just me in this huge, suburban old hospital (with toilets far and few in between! + no park/place to sit and chill + staff cafeteria has very limited space, so most ppl tend to take away or eat in 15-20 mins with friends).
• People here are also very different in their approach, they don't hesitate to tell you what their opinions are and the melting pot of multi-culturism that i mentioned earlier - yeah, you deal with the smartest and brilliant people in the field here (which is not an understatement).
• They're also very fashionable (which doesn't help with de self esteem much) and their physical physique -gosh 90% of the population walk faster than me (and i walk fast for an asian girl). they're so fit as well!! morning jogs + tennis +swimming + running/cycling to and from work + gym *shudders*
• another big issue for me is that- while there's a lot of churches/chapels around, they're so steeped in traditionalism that everything is just a ritual (mostly mournful). God how i miss COP so much. it's so hard to find spiritual heartbeats here (which thank God i have found one close by).

LOL! i have been ranting for far too long. But honestly if there's one thing that i've learnt in all this is that God brought me here for a reason. Whether it's to see things from a new perspective, to teach me to appreciate the many blessings He's given me, or to teach me how to trust Him anew. Trust is currently a big issue for me personally though- all these questions about where i work, about my future, about "permanent company" to quote Mau Ren. It's one thing knowing that you're supposed to do this, or that or trust God, but it's another thing to let it sink deep down into your heart and actually do it (esp without complaining and murmuring and questioning Him every day).

O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Psalm 139:1-3

I'll leave you with what Holly said (for it sums up what i feel)

When you don't know the next step...
I see you peering down the path.
Wondering, can I do this?
Am I enough?
Yes to both....And then asking, Do I take this step?

I've asked this question too...staring at the ceiling in the night, over coffee with friends, driving in my car.
Then I think of this verse, this bit of wisdom from Proverbs 19:21--
You can make many plans, but the Lord's purpose will prevail.
If we've prayed, asked wise counsel, then we can go with confidence. Even if our first step is imperfect, perhaps not even in quite the right direction, God will align us with His purpose by the end.
But here's the thing.
You can't redirect someone who is standing still.
Yes, there are seasons for staying.
This is about the seasons of going, setting out, those times when your heart is restless and your feet are ready.
If that's you then go without fear.
God is with you, for you, behind you, and ahead of you.
And even if you lose your way for a bit. Even if you grow weary. Even if you don't know which direction to go at times. His purposes will prevail.
Take that step, woman of courage.
And know that love goes with you all the way.

post call musings

sitting in my living room, dethawing post call

it's 4am -dark, quiet .. peaceful

there's something about being in the hospital at night that makes me feel contented and not stressed.

the darkness and general quiet envelops the hospital

patches of light around de nurses counters &acute cubicels as you go pass the male wards

surgery too wrapped in solitude, where tucked away in a theater somewhere, a lifesaving procedure is going on in a focused, tense atmospheres

hostels and flats silent and stolid in the night, without a noise, sheltering de tired workers inside for a few precious hours of sleep at least

shops & OPD closed, ready for the hustle and bustle that begins in 4 hours time

the forensic unit, isolated away from the rest, up on the hills, yet all lighted up-for death came knocking again

the A&E however, a miniature city of shining lights

the moment one enter, one's energized by the workload -loads of pts, different complaints,

yet as time passes by, biological clocks grows insistingly louder, urging one to sleep

the icy air conditioning helps as well

ppl in not-so-busy areas sneak a shuteye or 2,while those in green wearily see the never ending line of patients (esp children)

opportunities to do stuff abound

dun get me wrong

i love the hospital at night as a student

things seems so much more clearer, and it's easier to feel passionate about what you're doing

but as a overworked, under-sleeped HO.. that'll be another issue altogether

i can't even do a 14 hour straight call now- what more a 36 hour shift next year ><

9 in 10 hsemen i meet tell me to go Melb, even de SS 17 dr

but where do YOU want me to go?

i should probably get going .. de bed is calling out to me now.

gnite dears

what's been happening at my end

so where do i start?

it's 5th year of med school which in Monash terms means the pre-internship year where we're student intern doctors.

for the unacquainted... in medicine internship is a period of time where one is a junior doctor, doing all the work in the hospital until they complete their basic training and are officially recognised as doctors. in Mysia it's a 2 year training period of 36 hour shifts followed by 2 years of compulsory basic training as Medical Officers. in Australia it's a 1 year training period followed by at least 1 year compulsory service as a Resident.. after which you can start applying for Masters (i.e. Specialist training). takes about 4-5 years of training to be a junior specialist (provided you pass all your exams the 1st time round... ) and another 5-10 years to be a consultant.

so from the time you enter med school as a 1st year medical student to being a specialist.. someone once told us it takes about 15 years >.<

anyhow enuf digressing

so yeah.. 5th year. rather weird cuz it suddenly hits one that "you're going to practice medicine and manage patients next year"

the other weird thing is that being in Monash... you do get the chance to apply to work in Aus (of course whether u get it or not is another matter all together). This then raises the question of where to work? "i mean cmon la girl- Dahlah in Mysia you don't even know where to apply, what more applying for work in another country with totally different clinical settings altogether?"

and finally i'm coming to terms that this may be my last year for quite some time to do things which i've always done e.g. hanging out with friends, going church, watching tv, doing random stuff and things which i want to do

so all things in all, one may think that life is full of questions, dilemmas and worries for me. but on the contrary- i'm very grateful for what's happened thus far -

• God guiding me thus far and for being with me at every step of the way
• friends (from all walks of life, different backgrounds, those whom i'd never thought i'd mix with in high school prove to be dear friends- just goes to show u never judge a book by its cover
• the opportunity to go places where most of my dear ones never have
• experiences - homestay, living with friends away from home, driving long distance, walks in the cold starry night
• privilege to worship in different churches - COP JB, Planetshakers, CGI PJ

i have no idea what lies ahead i.e. where to go, what to do and friendships what more about specialist training and family but God, the Almighty One, Creator, Abba Father, my Friend- HE knows.

If I could only fly
I'd go up and look down from the sky
So I could see the bigger picture
And Lord if I could sit with You
At Your feet for an hour or two
I'm sure I'd ask too many questions
'Cause there's so much going on down here
That I must confess I just don't understand

BRIDGE
But I have prayed
And at your feet my whole life has been laid
So I wont worry I wont be afraid
'Cause my soul is resting on Your higher ways
Let the road ahead become unclear
I am Yours so what have I to fear
If my soul is resting on Your higher ways

CHORUS
Your higher ways teach me to trust You
Your higher ways are not like mine
Your higher ways are the ways of the Father
Hiding His children in His love

BRIDGE
So let it rain
And if my eyes grow dim with tears of pain
This hope I have will not be washed away
'Cause my soul is resting on Your higher ways

Someday I will fly and
Maybe then You will take me aside
And show me the bigger picture
But until I'm with You
I'll be here with a heart that is true
And a soul that's resting on
Your higher ways

updates 2

1. am done with aged care rotation.

• out-of-hospital visits to Meals On Wheels, RACF, VCAT (civil law), and Alzheimer
• Delirium IPL in Peninsula Campus
• law tutorial
• 2 days of indigenous program (one glorious day in city and another in building 15)
• verdict--> it was a relaxing posting.

2. so now i'm in surgery.

• which is a challenge for me, as i got very little exposure to it during year 3
• lots of fear and anxiety as i started this rotation
• but God has been with me so far

3. Melbourne has had some dodgy weather.

• from hailstorms and winter weather (11-18 degrees) to sunny days (max of 30 degrees)
• they're calling it Melb's Bipolar weather

4. spent time with the family. lovely house, awesome people, and dear cousins.

5. something's going to happen soon.

6. worship in church can be so anointed -can't wait for the latest album to be out to share the amazing songs :)

7. Shae Lynn and Wei Ming have a son.

An update

am in Melb now for the 2 compulsory rotations. now doing aged care in Dandenong hosp (35-45min bus ride)- it's pretty slack for now. but i can't get over how different it is to malaysia and JB in particular. everything from patients, documentation, clerking to housemanship/internship is very different here. there's more paperwork here.. and things are so different that i wonder how i would survive internship here in such lonely, and strange circumstances.

good thing bout melb is cheap fruits=), hall's internet, the efficient public transport, and unpolluted nature. just walking outside- one can easily spot Orion, and the moon!!! it's freaking gorgeus.. evvery time i walk outside around the halls, i'm in awe- soaking in the awesomness of nature. and the song "this is my Father's world" echoes in my head.

downside is the loneliness.
i miss home often. turns out that the day i landed here, my granduncle (whom i considered to be sort of my substitute grandpa- both my grandpa's died when i was small, only memories remain of them) died.
thought i had got colder emotionally. medicine does teach you how to compartmentalize everything and put on a "i'm-fine" face. but somehow, i've realised a lot of things esp life and pertaining to my walk with God- it's like suddenly i got a new pair of glasses...

honestly, i'm scared. i have no clue where to apply for internship much less be a competent doctor (rather doubtful about that at the moment). can't believe that ppl will trust me with their lives in a few months time... but before i left, i met one of my former teachers who told me "i believe you can do it"

*still cry whenever i rmbr that - cuz i wonder what can she possibly see in me that can cause her to so confidently say that ..even with everything's that happened*

after a long abscence

plenty has happened since the start of november

• 2 grand-aunts died
• laptop crashed
• music teacher's husband was diagnosed with lymphoma
• close family friend went through family problems and nearly lost her faith
• mum not well
• settling sister's further education
• results announced- thank God, i made it. not everyone was so lucky
• visa application
• meeting up with the extended family
• christmas
• friend from high school died (hit and run)
• new year
• seniors (Bruce & Elene) got married =)
  
• 3 punctured tires
  
• friend's parent died
  
• thank GOD visa application was succesful!
• dashing around, getting stuff for Aus
• was partially deaf for 1/52 due to bilateral impacted wax
  
• thank GOD again - we got the AUS $3500 grant!
• meeting up with friends
• packing

should also add that haven't been bloggin cuz no mood. see how la this coming year...
it's been up and down. but thank GOD for seeing me through this whole time- one things for sure. His grace has constantly been there!