Footprints in the sand (an adaptation)

One night a young girl had a dream. She dreamed that she was walking along the beach, across rocky paths and towards the cliffs, when she stepped into quicksand. As she struggled violently to free herself, the treacherous soil sucked her deeper and deeper in. At that moment, across the sky there flashed scenes from her life. For each scene she noticed two sets of footprints in the sand: one belonging to her, and the other to the LORD.

When the last scene of her life flashed before him, she looked back at the footprints in the sand.
She noticed that many times along the path of her life there was only one set of footprints and that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in her life. She also noticed that during these times, the footprints seemed to be going in circles and that towards the end of her life it seemed to be heading towards the rocks and the stormy sea.

This really bothered her and she questioned the LORD about it:
"LORD, you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way.But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life, there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me."

The LORD replied:
"My daughter, my precious child, I love you and I would never leave you.During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."

Bewildered, she asked the Lord again:
“But LORD, if You were carrying me, why did the footprints go in circles and why did it go towards the rocks and the storms? If You were carrying me, why did You carry me into the face of danger?”

The LORD looked her gently in the eye and said:
“My daughter, I was carrying you when the waves got very big and looked as if they were about to drown you. The thunder got louder, the storm got worse and you became very frightened. You ran out of my arms, and went around in circles trying to find shelter but failed. I tried to get you to come into my arms again so that I could carry you but you refused me. You screamed “LORD I don’t trust you anymore. How could you let the storm get so violent when you were supposed to calm it? How could have things become so awful?”

Here the LORD stopped. The young girl looked up wondering why, when she saw HIS eyes were filled with tears. At that moment, things started becoming clearer, and as she realised what had happened, she falteringly continued:

“I ran away from You because I couldn’t trust You anymore. Instead, I turned to my family, my friends, my studies and ran towards them, thinking they could give me hope, security and love. I thought that they would be able to help me find shelter through the storm. But as I ran to them, the winds grew stronger, and everything became darker. The waves grew bigger and drenched me several times. I couldn’t see them anymore but I could still hear them calling out to me. The closer I got towards their voices, the more distant they grew until I couldn’t hear them anymore. By this time, the storm was overpowering. And I realised that I had run towards the rocks, towards the sea and was going to die soon.”

Tears fell down in torrents as she carried on, with her head bowed down:
“LORD, I now know that I was wrong. Though the storm looked like it was going to swallow me whole, yet I was in Your arms where nothing would harm me. You were taking good care of me. But I chose to be fearful and stubborn, running instead to other people, thinking they could help me. LORD the truth is, men can try but in the end, they’ll still fail. But only You can do the impossible. Only You can make a way for me where there seems to be no way. I’m sorry LORD for doubting You.”

The LORD grabbed her hand, and pulled the young girl out from the quicksand. As the young girl emerged from the miry pits, the LORD hugged her and lovingly told her “ My daughter, I was there the whole time, waiting for you to accept me back. What happened has happened and that’s in the past. I’ve forgiven you so now let’s start anew”

And so, the LORD and the young girl walked again hand in hand. The storm had subsided and the world was calm again. Two sets of footprints reappeared in the sand as in the beginning of the story but the young girl had learnt her lesson. It wasn’t what was going on around her or why it was happening that mattered. It was WHO she was with that made the difference.

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow
Because He lives, all fear is gone
Because I know, I know, He holds my future
And life is worth the living just because He lives

BLESSED CHRISTMAS & A HAPPY NEW YEAR 2009



the original “Footprints in the sand” written by Mary Stevenson
this paraphrased version 2008 © http://yougotanna.blogspot.com

Random thoughts (again!)

When I’m relaxed, (as in totally relaxed) my BP is 93/37 – how cool is that!!!
Being so relaxed that your blood pressure is so freaking low
hahahaha
Of course on the third time, it was the highest reading so far which was 98/55
And I should probably mention that this was 3 hours after breakfast :D

Previously when someone makes a passing comment about one’s driving skills that go along the lines of “JB driver” – it’s considered to be an insult. And for good reason too. JB drivers are the worst driver I had ever seen in my life thus far. Or so I thought until I came back and saw Klang drivers. They’re so freaking ill-mannered, don’t give way at all, defensive and offensive driving all in one and the list goes on. When there’s space for only 2 cars to go through, 7 vehicles descend and jostle for space -.-“

and then there’s my grandma’s driving.
OMG I tell you it’s so scary sitting in her car!!! After the 20th time, I lost count of the number of times that she nearly hit another car within that 30 minute drive. She used to be the only person that could make me horribly carsick (even in Std 5) until I sat in a teacher’s car in Form 5, when we got hopelessly lost going to SMK Bandar Sunway for my public speaking competition. She too drove exactly like my grandma, drive fast, press the pedal all the way even across bumps, and only brake at the last minute :S
But back to my grandma’s driving. Oh my…. It’s a horror too horrible to be told.
In any case, i HAVE to improve my driving skills cuz i definitely dun wanna be like grandma in that sense
Maybe that’s why I never wanted an auto car cuz among the 3 drivers in my immediate family, she was the only one who drove an auto car. * sigh*

These hols I’m trying to exercise more … key word being “trying”.
Have to la, no choice. Being in medicine, you need to have a certain amount of strength and stamina- lugging all those heavy med textbooks, walking up and down the stairs, in and out of hospital buildings countless of times in a day, and examining patients (especially those with musculoskeletal problems *shudders*) esp after coming back from JB, when I realised i sprained my back muscles on both sides by moving all my books about and carrying heavy luggage :S:S
So I shall start attempting to be more fit – only time will tell

On the eve.....

time does fly
seems like just yesterday that I moved down to JB for my clinical years
and now barely few hours from now, I hit 21

this birthday will be quiet
just like my previous b’days
I will cut my cake with my parents, sis and maid
And tmrw will be spent doing paperwork in the morning,
followed by an evening at home just like every other day

I know ppl will be prodding me to go out and celebrate after all it’s my 21st
But how to if there’s no one around?
And in any case
I’ve done so much this year that I’m grateful for
I’m thankful that I’ve been given a chance to be a blessing to others
Just to hear people vent, or give them a shoulder to cry on,
To be able to spread peace, goodwill and tidings of great joy in what ever means possible to those who needed it
I’m glad that the baton for organizing b’day parties has been passed from me to others
And I’m honestly glad that everyone who turned 21 this year was given a proper bash
Like Fitri (whose birthday was celebrated in a big way the first time this year),
Like Chris, Min Chiee and Mau Ren whose 21st were during the exam period but still got something done

This year, God’s taught me so many things that I don’t know where to start
All I do know is I’m thankful and really grateful that I’m living to see each day
And though God has far greater things in store for me, more things He wants me to do,
I can’t do it without Him, only step by step as He leads me

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow
Because He lives, all fear is gone
Because I know, I know He holds the future
And life is worth the living just because He lives

C.h.r.i.s.t.m.a.s

The first Christmas advertisement courtesy of Starbucks appeared on tv a fortnight ago,
City Square staff have hung banners and started preparing the mall for Christmas
Singaporeans are actively broadcasting the activities and promotions that are occur during this festive period
today, when i passed this quaint Italian restaurant in Pelangi,
they had a traditional Christmas scene with the evergreen tree and soft golden lights that gleam and fade according to various melodies
even Monash JB is having a meet Santa + mini Christmas celebration at the end of the month

Christmas is the one event in the year that i look forward to
the enchanting Christmas carols that one hears
the gorgeous and sparkly decorations on sale next to the traditional ornaments
wreaths and candles of different sizes with tall, regal, evergreen Christmas trees
colourful and shimmering baubles, shiny tassels, and best of all the Nativity scene
the delicious smell of food cooking in the oven,
the customary turkey and stuffing with cranberry sauce(my favorite), Shepard's Pie, tomato and nut chutney, grandma's chicken curry, traditional cookies, DESSERT =)

the only time where i get to spend time with cousins and extended family
organizing and participating in church activities e.g. caroling or dramas
it's the time where "peace and goodwill" is practiced diligently and the time where i feel especially close to Him
the Almighty One willingly became a small frail babe so God's purpose could be done and we could come back to Him

to put in short, Christmas is the only time of the year where i walk with an extra flounce and flourish in my step, and where u can see the sparkle in my eye

and i'm to be denied all of the above this year
any wonder why my heart bleeds?

The good side

Looking back, reading through my past entries, this cold hard fact stared at me in the face
--> i've been griping a lot about medicine

Yes, this blog is a form for me to vent and let loose
but this is one imbalance that i have to correct

Truth be told,
i've always doubted whether i could be a doctor
too delicate and impetous
not being able to grasp practical things easily
too fearful of trying new things, cuz i was scared of failure

Didn't help that i started with surgery :S
don't get me wrong, surgical rotation is necessary cuz after all we're getting an MBBS (bachelor of Medicine and Bachelor of Surgery)
but it definitely wasn't my cup of tea
starting with orthopedics, horrible circumstances in my 1st gen surgery posting, and my surgical nightmare --> suturing
all lead me to question whether i had the heart and drive to continue

Then Sem 2 started and i began my medical rotation,
not only was it so much more wider than surgery
not only did it require you to know, grasp and think way more
it was very scary...(not helping the fears at all)
but then i met Prof Khalid
i think that one sentence speaks volumes

yes, lots of ppl disliked his unorthodox style of teaching,
but what was important was he encouraged us to play detective and be a lawyer
through his eyes, things began to make more sense
but when i got him as my MCR tutor, i was scared beyond reason
i mean, c'mon, he's the HEAD OF THE CLINICAL SCHOOL, a PROFESSOR who expects way higher standards from you... and worse still HE MAKES PEOPLE DO MCRS at least twice!!!!!
very bad for someone who's scared stiff of failure and letting people down

to cut a long story short, i did my MCR- my first cardio examination, and i did badly
but he made me do it again (first time i re-did any exam in my life)
not before making me promise practising on 2 cases each day
second time i passed

Lesson he taught me--> never be afraid to try, even if you fail

that calmed my fears a bit- or so i thought

Year 3s have a clinical skills logbook that must be filled completely by the end of year,
we need to practice our skills, (history taking/examining, venapuncture, inkection, PR examination etc.)
I filled up 85% except the iv cannulation part...
my first one at Mahmoodiah was succesful
then 1 month later went to A&E to try and get the other 2 signatures
the first night, i did at least 7 iv cannulations --> all of which failed
also did 4-6 venapuncture for FBEs --> only one succesful
you can imagine what that did to my confidence
especially since my venapucture section in the logbook was all filled, and i had since then practiced venapuncture twice with a 50-70% success rate
didn't help that i watched my friend who was also there that night do at least 8 iv cannulations, ALL of which were succesful

i tell you, by the end of the night i was so depressed and just gave up

next day, dragged myself again to try and practice ...albeit half-haertedly
and thank GOD, i got my iv cannulation completely signed off

again the lesson learnt was --> fail once, fail twice, fail lotsa times, continue trying until you get it

*sigh*

trust me - medicine isn't good for your ego/confidence at all

anyhow today went to wards to clark patients for bedside
sat down and talked to an elderly lady just for fun
and she was asking about how life was as a medical student
as i sat and talked to her about my fears, and disappointments
she listened and encouraged me to go on

and then i realised, maybe it's not so bad after all

looking back, there's lots of hidden gems in the year,

• the ENT posting,
• the 2nd gen surgery posting
• having Mr Razak, and especially Mr Farouk for tutors
• the medical rotation
• learning about different diseases
• being able to jsut observe, take a history, examine patient and just come to a diagnosis
• hearing a term, and actually understanding it and how it fits into the picture^.^
  

there's loads more ...
but lesson learnt is that
around every bend, there's flowers and thorns
there are bees and honey
it's up to one to let the thorns hurt you so much that you neglect the flowers
or to suck the honey from the sting

also the most important thing,
you can never do this without God
it's only through the One Upstairs's help that you're able to offer some help to those who need it,
one can never minister healing to others without having the Teacher, the Great Physician and the Master Creator by your side to guide you through it all

It's that stress filled time of the year again

Here's what third years have to look forward to these coming few weeks

1. Clinical logbook and assignments due 11 November
2. OSCE stems out a week before, approximately 13 November
3. OSCEs (practicals using simulated patients and clinical scenarios) on the 19th of November
4. Written paper EMQ - 24 November

Complicating matters

• 60 PBLs (tutorials which form the syllabus - each one can cover about 50 pages of textbook info crammed into 3 hours, or sometimes one PBL can cover 3-10 diseases/conditions)
• 26 Pathology quizzes (covering anatomy, physiology, pathology and clinically relevent material of more than one condition)
• Evidence Based medicine
• Occupational Health
• Environmental Medicine
• Health, Law & Ethics
• the bleakness beyond the exam period

Time to break the glass of complance and hit the panic button

It's the weekend =)

this week has been very hectic to say the least
but on the bright side, it's been quite productive
so i'm very glad that it's the weekend

• MCR-check! last MCR for the year all done :)
• Autopsy- check! Finally got to observe a post mortem after Hakimah regularly called the forensic department for the past 2 months
• PBL- done! only one more left
• mock OSCES- check! good way to know my present standard... now to practice regularly
• logbook - errrr... not yet completed

sigh looks like i finish up my work
oh well
at least got Dota tonight =)
and i can SLEEEEPPPPPPPPPP - yay!

can anyone see how excited i am :P

Things you learn when doing a tag

1. Six people to tag.

If you want to do, go ahead- otherwise pass...

2. Six things I'm passionate about...

• Music
  
• Nature
• God
  
• Dance
  
• Dear ones
  
• Interior designing
  

3. Six things I say TOO often...

• Bloody HELL!
  
• Shit
• Freaky/ Freaking (insert something)
  
• What the......
• Awesome!
  
• Don't know (especially when i'm being grilled at bedside :S)
  

4. Six books I've Read recently...

• The Princess Diaries Book 1 &2 - Meg Cabot
  
• A Murder is Announced - Agatha Christie (and other murder stories)
  
• Predator by Patricia Cornwell
  
• The Society Murders: true story
  
• Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Treader - CS Lewis
  
• Med textbooks.... exam's in a months time :S
  

5. Six songs I can Listen to Again and Again...

• You are Faithful - Hillsong
• God will make a way - Accapella Intergrity
  
• Built to Last - Melee
  
• Healer - Planetshakers
  
• Fix You - Coldplay
  
• Some of Beethoven, Chopin and Mancini's pieces
  

6. Six Things I learnt in the Past Year...

• How to cook basic, basic stuff
  
• body's limitations - and so trying to be not so delicate now
  
• play DOTA and PS
  
• treasure the "now"s and the moments with dear ones. each day is a wonderful memory in the making
  
• waking up to the fact that things have changed and it's time to move on/ adapt
• Your grace still amazes me............
  

Hillsong United - You are faithful + Subs

These words,
they play repeatedly....

within all the complaining,
within all the anger,
within all the storms,
still one thing remains

You are Faithful =)

"Jokes"

Su Wen: what is the mother and father of Transformers?????
*everyone stone*
Su Wen: trans-PARENT

Gary: What do Transformers plant?
Ji Keon: trans-PLANTS

Gary: What are the most dangerous foods for Transformers?
Ben: trans-fats

Syaima: What genders are transformers?
Answer: transsexuals

Syaima: How long do transformers last?
Answer: transient

Breakthrough

The title says it all.

The breakthrough came on Sunday morning at church
Initially, for the practice session it was very tough to be part of the worship team when one isn't right with GOD
how do you lead people into worship when you yourself have backslidden and haven't been spending time with GOD??
and from the beginning of the 5 minute service countdown, when those words appeared on the screen, i spoke it out and the conviction started.
held out as long as i could, but the gentle nudging grew stronger and stronger until it was a loud, insistent murmur that kept ringing and wouldn't go away.
and so, by the end of the 5 minute countdown, the walls of pride, anger and bitterness broke,
and the Comforter helped me to surrender it all

Then, Ps Dave took the pulpit and he preached.
What he spoke that day, pierced my heart through and through.
It was as if YOU were speaking to me directly,
with every word, You made this cold stony heart to be warm and alive again,
and it was clearly seen during ministry time worship where You gave me the grace to worship You again

Thank You Counsellor
Thank You LORD
Thank You Father
and also thank you to all those who prayed for me


On a another note (but kinda related to the one above)
Due to certain traumatic incidents that happened recently, there have been deep painful wounds that festered each day, and caused me to be grumpy and bite everyone back
but GOD's been doing work in those areas, and hard as it may seem, He's teaching me to let go and forgive
Many say that the past is the past, and we'd be better off if we forget about it
Easier said than done
But GOD's healing hand has allowed me to begin again
I'm able to do work again.
Have gone to clinic to finish up my logbook.
Have spent time with close friends, seeing things in a whole new perspective, and understanding how much they care about me
Have some time to just be alone and be with HIM

so yeah.
having said all that, this hols must be my busiest hols ever =P
anyhow shall close now.
love you all loads.
will see you soon

The Truth

Truth be told,
I was very angry, lonely and confused this past few days
Guess it was pretty obvious, from the previous 2 blog posts, my MSN nick and my general behaviour these past few days
Many have expressed their concerns at my state...
And for that, thank you for caring

But truth be told,
certain things have been happening and these have snowballed over this fortnight, climaxing this week

Anger, bitterness towards GOD
don't wanna talk to HIM
don't wanna have anything to do with HIM
but at the same time, feeling immensely lonely
didn't help that my close friend left for the UK this week
everything's been cooped up inside, stewing away
until someone said "If you're upset, tell GOD you're upset."
and then i realised yes... i'm upset with GOD
upset for the all the mishaps
upset that the nightmare is repeating itself
upset that i'm left all alone
upset that He's testing me in all these things and i'm asking for help, but nothing is happening instead things are going from bad to worse

but.... whilst i was busy being upset, bitter and irritated with GOD
i became very lonely
for i was actually hurting deep within
no communion with HIM left my spirit dying

so yes..
still hurting
but the difference is the light is slowly seeping through the darkness
and the healing process is beginning
and yeah it hurts like bl**** h***
but doesn't the first part hurt the most..
like when u clean a wound, that's when it's the most painful

sigh

keep in prayer please?

Metamorphosis III

damm it!

there i said it. i swore!
yes i swore!
surprised? why? it's a part of me you don't know
just like being over the top!
excuse me if the rare times where i actually laugh and have a good time is considered *over the top* or tooo theatrical/dramatic!
excuse me if i get too high.. and words just come out endlessly without thinking!

blardy hell!!!
don't tell me YOU know me!
when you don't!
hell no!
please la, i make mistakes like everyone else
just that i make too many of them of late
and yes i hate myself more than you know for them
i hate thinking that i'm actually smart, when all i do is utter stupid things and ask stupid questions
i hate opening my mouth, and diggging millions of graves for myself
i hate not having a proper sense of humour and laugh demurely, not like a half drunken ass, braying around in its drunken excitement
i hate thinking that i could actually change
i hate saying yes!
honestly the phobia is one side of the story.... but at the rate things are going, i might as well go MIA
i hate the fact that everyone looks at me and thinks that i have to change before i can be considered seriously

honestly, i just hate myself more and more each day
can't i give this all up please?????

Metamorphosis II

Why do I even bother changing…

When things just come back and hurt you

It’s a stupid thing

Why bother dreaming.. when you know that the dreams aren’t coming to pass

Why does this same stupid conversation have to happen time and time again…

Can’t people just accept me for the way I am???

Why do I have to change before you take notice and give me a chance??

My past isn’t allowing me to change… and so one side.. I have friends, and a small insistent voice telling me that…Wake Up! You need to take action, dreams CAN come true

On the other side, my past, my background isn’t letting me go, and deep down I know I can’t go against it….but honest to God, I sure as hell want it to disappear

WHYYYYYYYY??????

Forget it, dreams are for idiots. Time to get back to the cruel world and the harsh facts of reality.

I asked for patience, but I got troubles

I asked for wisdom, but I got stupider

I asked for help to control my tongue, but I was told to keep silent

I asked for humility, but I didn’t know how much of ego I had until it was battered severly.

I asked You to clean out my heart, but I never knew it would be this painful

I asked You for healing but You said wait… My grace is more than sufficient and will take you through one day at a time

All the ‘I’ s above… and only one ‘You’

Looks like there’s still a long way to go

Random list

1. passed my MCR with Prof Khalid *yay* thank GOD!!!!
2. Thanks so much to Min Chiee who willingly gave up 2.5 hours of her time on Sunday evening to observe me practicing. It means so much to me especially when she sacrificed her precious time studying for her own surgical MCR with Dr Shwe. Another huge round of thanks to Sisca for observing, quizzing and even finding patients for me on Monday. despite going to at least 7 different wards, and only managing to practice on 3 pts, she did it all with a cheerful heart. Never will i forget what you did and neither can i express it adequately with words. only a grateful heart can understand
3. now concentrating on EBCP- Critical Assesment of Harm assignment due on Fri
4. Singapore tv is really amazing. where else in Malaysia would u hear "There Is None Like You"?? even if it's just to advertise a CD on "Faith" it's still a breath of fresh air :D
   
5. tmrw got bedside with Prof Khalid and i haven't even revised last week's work :(
   
6. tmrw also got JBSS with Dr Rafidah and Dr Azim . it's supposed to be interactive meaning quiz like .... focusing on many areas, some of which include management of arrythmias and sepsis :S
7. we have a 4 day break this weekend due to Merdeka. It is definitely a much needed break for all of us. just to go back home and recuperate
8. i need to finish my clinical skills logbook!!! *arrgghhhh*
9. appetite has suddenly increased these past few days. eat so much, but still hungry. and no it's not hyperthyroidism cuz i'm feeling colder and more lethargic nowdays. worst part is i've only exercised once this whole semester !!!! *screams and pulls out hair in frustration at the unhealthy ways practiced*
   

I Will Sing

history repeating itself,
the pain that one sister felt keenly and didn't want her sibling to go through,
that pain coming again
the fragility of health
and mourning Ronin

(from the album, I Will Sing)

Though the fig tree may not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines

Though the labour of the olive may fail, and the fields yield no fruit

Though the flock be cut off from the fold, and there be no herd in the stalls

Yet I will rejoice in the Lord, and I will rejoice in the God of my salvation

Lord we determine tonight that with all that’s in us,

We are going to bless Your name in spite of every circumstance we are facing

We choose to honour You, we choose to bless You.

Lord You seem so far away, a million miles or more it feels today,

And though I haven’t lost my faith, I must confess that it’s hard for me to pray,

But I don’t know what to say, and I don’t know where to start

But as You give the grace, with all that’s in my heart

I will Sing, I will praise

Even in my darkest hour through the sorrow and the pain

I will Sing, I will praise,

Lift my hands to honour You because Your Word is true

Lord it’s hard for me to see, all the thoughts and plans you have for me,

But I will put my trust in You knowing that You died to set me free

But I don’t know what to say, and I don’t know where to start

But as You give the grace, with all that’s in my heart

I will Sing, I will praise

Even in my darkest hour through the sorrow and the pain

I will Sing, I will praise,

Lift my hands to honour You because Your Word is true

"Though i may not understand,
all the plans You have for me
my life is in Your hands
and through the eyes of faith, i can clearly see......"

It's an excerpt from a song that was very easy to sing
now... it sums up what this broken self is attempting to say

Lord I dunno why things are happening the way they're happening
i wonder even more why they're happenening
and yes, i even question Your reasons for letting them happen

but still through this whole mess,
in the darkness, one thing still echoes very loudly

Lord, You are Good


help me to sing it out, Father.

Hosanna - Hillsong United (subtitled)

Fingerprints of God (the Sims version)

A story about a father telling how precious is his daughter to him no matter what.


I can see the tears filling Your eyes
And I know where they're coming from
They're coming from a heart that's broken in two
By what you don't see
The person in the mirror
Doesn't look like the magazine
Oh, but when I look at you it's clear to me that...

I can see the fingerprints of God
When I look at you
I can see the fingerprints of God
And I know it's true
You're a masterpiece
That all creation quietly applauds
And you're covered with the fingerprints of God

Never has there been and never again
Will there be another you
Fashioned by God's hand
And perfectly planned
To be just who you are
And what He's been creating
Since the first beat of your heart
Is a living breathing priceless work of art and...

Just look at you
You're a wonder in the making
Oh, and God's not through, no
In fact, He's just getting started and…

Why does decision making have to be so hard?

Event 1
--> going down to Sunway to discuss with the year 2s about clinical years

Pros

• get to go to KL. yay!
• get to meet up with the preclinicals
• talk with them, hoping that they'll learn from our mistakes,

Cons

• it's at least a 7 hours journey, both ways
• wed is quite busy. to make it for the trip, i'd have to shift 2 bedside classes and give up the long awaited chance to attend surgical clinic with Mr Farouk
• knowing me, i'd be physically very exhausted. and with the weekly amount of work that we have, i dun need to be more exhausted than usual
• have to do MCR with Prof Khalid
• must start on CAT very soon
• Dad would far rather have me spend the time here in the hospital, learning when i have the opportuninty and deep down i know he is right
• besides, i gave up going for my 2nd cousin's wedding this weekend (when the whole family will be down) with excuse of this being "assignment time". imagine what the parents' reply to me wanting to come down to KL just for 2 hours. that too- within the university, not at home
  

I really really really wanna go... but with all the cons - what do i do???

How Six Songs Collide - Norwegian Recycling

Was reading Sam's blog when i first chanced upon this song
and ever since then i've got hooked

So, since i'm very bored at the moment
though i'm supposed to be PBL-ing or studying for MCR,
my head isn't working
so decided to put the song up here. hopefully it works =)
songs included:

• Jason Mraz - I'm Yours
• Howie Day - Collide
• Five For Fighting - Superman
• Angela Ammons - Always Getting Over You
• Boyzone - All That I Need
• 3 Doors Down - Here Without You

and another thing, people read this blog right.. but how come no one ever comments??

My last post sparked off some interest as can be seen from my chat box and the comments.

Though JI KEON (one of the *evil* inhabitants of 21-3) would like the MSN conversation to be put up, it'll be a while before i do that, since i need to EDIT it (in order to protect confidentiality and dignity :P)

Anyhow, since i'm having temporary writer's block, saw this interesting music tag from GERMAE and decided to respond :D

The Music Shuffle Meme
1. Put your iTunes/ music player/ phone on Shuffle
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. You must put down the song name no matter what.

After you’ve answered all of the questions, tag 5 other people and then let them know they’ve been tagged to the meme themselves.
*******************
1.What would best describe your personality?
Breathe Easy - Blue (errrr.....)

2.What do you like in a guy/girl?
Say (All I need) - One republic (a bit vague isn't it?)

3.How do you feel today?
O Shout for Joy - Paul Wilbur (pretty close =D)

4.What is your life's purpose?
I Love to Love YOU - Leann Albertch (very apt)

5.What is your motto?
Power of Your Love (Instrumental Saxophone) - Hillsongs Reflective Worship (again, very apt! i wouldn't be here if not for YOUR LOVE)

6.What do your friends think of you?
You make me feel like dancing - Henry Mancini (LOL)

7.What do you think of your parents?
Yesterday - Leona Lewis

8.What do you think about very often?
The Prayer (huh??)

9.What do you think of your best friend?
Won't Stop - One Republic

10.What do you think of your crush?
Wonderful you - various artists (haha- i suppose any crush would be wonderful:P)

11.What is your life story?
Believe - Cher

12.What do you want to be when you grow up?
When I fall in love - Celine Dion & Henry Clive Griffon (o_O???)

13.What do you think when you see your crush?
Sing for Joy in The Lord - Jim Gilbert (hahahaha)

14.What do your parents think of you?
A house is not a home - various artists (maybe that's what their opinion of my present house, is)

15.What do strangers think of you?
nothing's gonna change my love for you -David Firman ( o..k... now that's a bit disturbing)

16.What will they play at your funeral?
Send in the clowns (from a little night music) -Henry Mancini (the title doesn't fit though the song is pretty gloomy, but it's definitely not something that i want at the funeral :S)

17.What will you dance to at your wedding?
Mighty to Save - Hillsongs (Interesting.)

18.What is your hobby/interest?
What a wonderful world - various artist (hehe. nature IS my passion :D)

19.What do you think of your friends?
All for down - One Republic & You're still the one - Shania Twain (all for one =) thanks for being there ppl)

20.What song do you listen to when you are sad?
tell the world - Hillsongs (well it's one of my fav songs and it does make my feet wanna dance....)

21.What song do you air guitar to?
Amazing love- Rebecca St James (The gentle whispering from the heart air guitar type :P)

22.What should be your signature karaoke song?
Magnificent Obsession- Steven Curtis Chapman (there isn't any karoke version of his songs..)

23.What is your greatest desire?
Saving all my love for you - various artists

24.What does next year have in store for you?
Symphony no.8 in F major, 2nd movement - Beethoven (more piano??)

25.What's your outlook on life?
Una Paloma Blanca - Demis Rossous

26.How will you die?
Because of Your Love - Hillsongs Australia (No comment)

27.Do people secretly lust after you?
Beautiful Saviour - Planetshakers (nahh, not me but the One Above instead)

28.The best advice you will ever get
Make it easy on yourself - Glen Campbell

29.What will I be doing for the next 3 months?
Tenderly - Henry Mancini ( i'm going to study or treat patients more tenderly???)

30.What do you think of the person who tagged you?
A day in the life of a fool- Various artist (o_O Germae is NO fool, a genius yes, but never a fool)

31.What will your future mother-in-law be like?
Sing Hallelujah - Paul Wilbur (a believing and very easygoing mom-in-law)

32.What is the favourite song of the doctor who will help deliver your baby?
hear my song, Violletta - Charles Gerhadt & orchestra (My obstetrician must be a woman then)

33.If you wrote a book, what would it be about?
Silent Night, Holy Night - John Tesh (Christmas -yay!)

34.What sort of world ruler would you be?
Sentimental Journey -Larry Dalton & orchestra

35.Will you ever get a dog or cat?
only by grace - dunno who, album : Times of Worship (no comment)

36.What would you say at your Oscar/Nobel prize acceptance speech?
Partners in Crime - Dave Koz and Jim Brickman (thank you to all my "partners-in-crime" :P)

37.What is your superpower?
Angel- Sarah Maclalen (i'm very good *points at halo above head* also can do miracles :P hehe)

38.Why are you attracted to enigmatic brooders?
Before I fall in love- Coco Lee (The Runaway Bride)
************************

Weird but pretty interesting. I hereby tag:
1. Gary
2. Ben
3. Ji Keon
4. Chris
5. anyone else who is reading this and blogs =)

1. My high school assistant head (PK H.E.M) apparently has a Facebook profile *shocked* .... ... and has added me *horror* !!!!!

2. My sister's biology tuition teacher, is a final yr medical student in IMU Seremban, who teaches biology part time on the weekends. Just found out that Gary and Chris know him too from IMU CF. Pretty small world huh?

3. I've recovered- yay!!!! big smiley :D but now Sisca and Gary have fallen sick :( get well soon ya!

4. Just listening to wonderful anointed music. Singing out loud and heartily, something that i've not done for a lonnngggg time. Bad experiences have made me self concious about singing in front of others, thereby holding me back especially during worship. But there's nothing that can beat just being in God's prescence. It's uplifting, when you sing with all your heart and strength to the ONE who is worthy of all praise. (thank you, my friend for lending this amazing CD)


5. Last night, i got *bullied* by the inhabitants of 21-3. The situation was so comical and frustrating that i wasn't sure if i wanted to laugh or cry- solved the problem by doing both!! never laughed so heartily before. My sides were aching, and tears were running down my cheeks =) Vivian (bore witness to the deed) could hear my howls and peals of laughter from her room. And apparently i've created some kind of record by S.O.B-ing (i.e. laughing so hard until i had difficulty breathing) for nearly 2 minutes while on the phone with Gary .. hehe
Unfortunately, this marvellous incident (marvellous for me since i don't laugh that much) had side effects. due to the hyperventilation, i blacked out <5seconds,>

6. Friends close to my heart, are in trouble. As much as i wanna say something eloquent that will touch their hearts, as much as i wanna gather them in my arms to show them how much i care and keep them away from mischief, as much i want to be by their side; i can't. This is a journey that only they can take, one that i can't accompany them on, but rather a journey that i must stand on the sidelines and support them, cheering them on and constantly praying for them. So at times like these, this song by Casting Crowns is like me speaking to them

it's 2.30 am in the morning..
and i'm up

cuz i can't sleep

why?

too much of phlegm.
white sticky phelgm.

(yes wan yean. phlegm not mucus.)

the fever's worn off,
sore throat waning
now is just the pleghm!!!!

if i lie down, i feel like drowning or suffocating...
cuz i can't breathe with all the sputum!!

got to get it all out -yeah

BUT IT"S NOT STOPPING!!!

have been sneezing, spitting, coughing and even retching it out for at least 30 mins
and still...it's not stopping!


forgive the attitude...

but it's 2.30 in the morning and i have a class at 8am!!!!!!!


I HATE BEING SICK!!!!!



p.s. just realised i've had 3-4 allergic reactions to dust, 2 episodes of vertigo and THIS ...all within the past 3 weeks


I REALLLLLYYY HATE BEING SICK!!!!!!

24 July
Sigh- whoever said doctors are the healthiest people around, was wrong. cuz we've been getting sick too often....

let me explain

last week, Ben fell sick. Later that week met Shae Lynn who also was feeling sick.Then on Sun, Wan Yean was unwell. By Monday, Syaima, Vivian and Ji Keon were down. All had the common signs -fever & sore throat. today, i woke up and unhappily found that i had joined the club:(

23 July
today was a very tiring day for me..

had bedside with Dato Khalid followed by ethics. Thankfully the tutorial finished 30 mins early cuz i felt woozy -thought it could be cuz iwas very hungry despite having had breakfast. So had a sugary drink, then rushed to do my MCR with Mr Andrew Gunn (Head of Surgery).

Came out, had a quick lunch and joined my subgroup for bedside with Dato Veloo. By then, was feeling tired and so went a bit *hyper/crazy* with my answers and diagnosis(es). Didn't help that i started having transient room spinning around thingy. Was so exhausted and dizzy when i reached home. Mau Ren noticed it too, and asked me if i was going to faint (which of course i didn't). opened the door and collapsed on the sofa. after a while, when the vertigo didn't disappear, took the medication...and just spent the rest of the day resting.


Moral of the story:
1. must learn to take care of own self first
2. times like this, i'm grateful for the wonderful health so far. thank God for healing me.

2 blog posts in one day.. a tad unusual for me, at the moment

but this email that Zach passed along, really spoke to me
everyone of the first 6 verses, jumped out and ministered to me,

When I say... 'I am a Christian'
I'm not shouting 'I'm clean living.''
I'm whispering 'I was lost,
Now I'm found and forgiven.'

When I say... 'I am a Christian'
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
and need Christ to be my guide.

When I say... 'I am a Christian'
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak
And need His strength to carry on.

When I say... 'I am a Christian'
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed
And need God to clean my mess.

When I say... 'I am a Christian'
I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible
But, God believes I am worth it.

When I say... 'I am a Christian'
I still feel the sting of pain.
I have my share of heartaches
So I call upon His name.

When I say... 'I am a Christian'
I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner
Who received God's good grace, somehow!

i need ...
i somehow need to connect with God
i Know He's here...somewhere...looking

out for me,
but i need to feel Him....

i'd like to tell you don't worry..but i know you will
soo all i can say is by His grace, the answer is on the way...
i believe..that soon, He will come, and help me

Romans 8: 35, 37-39

"35 Who can separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble, or hardship, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger or sword?
37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.
38 For i am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future nor any powers,
39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

listening to songs,
songs that used to minister to me
but now...are just music and lyrics

going through everyday
on autopilot
feeling disconnected
laughing forcedly (it comes out a tad hollow)

trying hard to hold on to funny moments
but failing

trying to find comfort in the prescence of dear ones
but it's gets too close for comfort, too stifling,
and i end up withdrawing,
gasping for air

all the talk, all the expressions,
just a long list of sounds from people,
mouths moving
but i'm not processing what they're saying

tiredness, fatigue
it's like i've just taken some antihistamines (allergy medication)
head feels heavy, hands at times feel like lead

appetite's gone
feel cold easily
no interest in things
not even in neuroanatomy and forensics
i look at books (medical, fiction, nonfiction -all the same)
and i don't get the urge to pick it up and see what it's about
watching tv....
i can actually get up and turn it off while favourite shows are on

each day, i long for night so that i can sleep
but when it comes, sleep eludes me
i search for it but to no avail

walk through the unit
realising how empty it is
looking out at through my window
seeing things
feeling so lost
then the huge wave of emotions engulf me

then today,
for the first time the thought actually struck me
had i really made a mistake 2.5 years ago?
am i actually on the right path??
would i.....
could i .... give it up.... Voluntarily????

then when the realisation of what i just had thought hit me,
fear came, panic arose,
fighting hard to quell it,
went about doing stuff on autopilot,
came back, opened the cupboard,
a similiar thought came up
can i run away from things????

dear GOD,
i can't go on like this
with no joy
no interest
please do something
before it's too late....

Help, God

Eloi, Eloi, Lama sabach tani

A. Tags
Dear Shern Ai,
i've already done the tag that you asked me to do here The one that you asked me to is shorter, missing part 6 (and has the extra part about what u'd like for your birthday). As such, i'm of 2 minds whether i should retag you or not :P
And i LUV your drawings! you definitely have a gift for fashion :D

B. Words
Ppl often comment on my 'eloquence' and the "gift of gab". however, for all my 'fluency', there are words that often trip me up. ever since i was small, there would be some words which ALL would be able to pronounce except me (for some unknown reason)
Examples:

1. grape --> gwape
2. biscuit --> bisscut
3. businessman--> busy-nessman
4. Singapore --> chee-mee-ngoh

in fact, in the healthcare field, there are quite a few similar minefields as well. these headaches force me to slow down and eunenciate each syllable properly :(

1. abdominal --> abdominable (i.e horrible)
2. anatomy --> anna-tommy (literally meaning removal of anna)
3. colchicine --> col-chee-skin
4. simulated patients --> stimulated patients
5. choleliathisis (i.e. gallstones)
6. cholecystoliathaisis (CT scan of the upper abdomen showing multiple gallstones)
7. choledocholithisis (stones in the common bile duct) --> chole-ko-do-ko-......le thiasis

C. Song titles

You know how when you open MSN messenger, got a whole list of who's online and sum times, even what they're listening to. which is what mine does. imagine if you were online, and you suddenly saw me listening to songs that were entitled: (try and guess the genre)

1. The Memory of Trees
2. The man with the Child in His Eyes
3. Book of Days
4. Free Yourself
5. Watermark
6. To the Unknown Man
7. Women of Ireland
8. Shephard Moons
9. in Search of Transperancy
10. Reaching for the other side
11. Forgotten worlds
12. The garden of your heart
13. Crystal child

bet there's lots of -_-" and o_O

Gary was apparently rofl-ing when he saw the above, trying unsuccesfully to figure out what i was listening to. Btw, it was Celtic music and instrumentals :D

this hols, i've been
lazing at home,
watching tv on the TV and on the Internet,
catching up with friends and
pigging out on home cooked food.

*sigh*

what happened to all my exercise, "get fit" plans ???
what ever happened to me watching movies and HOUSE m.d. in the comfort of my home?????
oh well at least i've been sleeping adequately

and oh joy divine *claps hands in delight*
i've actually done some holiday reading *yay!!!!*
2 reader digests, 2 archie digests, 4 novels, 1 hardy boys, re-read oliver twist (the simple version)
but that was only during the first 3-4 days of the hols,

• partly my fault cuz i devour books like mad
• partly cuz i've been away, seperated from my story books, forced into becoming friends with my TEXTbooks *boo hoo hoo*
• partly also cuz i DUN HAVE ENOUGH STORY BOOKS!!! give me more books, comics, magazines- anything ppl!!!

and all that pigging out on food has made me certain that i'll be going back to JB with some extra weight
hopefully tisn't like form 3, where i gained 5 kg in 2 weeks, causing one teacher to exclaim "girl, you've gone fat!" :(
dun even wanna imagine Sister Sargu's reaction when she sees me
aikzzz * banish all those thoughts away*

woke up at 2 this morning, with really severe, sharp pains in my left upper quadrant,
lasted until 4am, couldn't even get out of bed to call my aunt for help,
thank GOD it's subsided, only got some minor discomfort now
took medicine, (bactrium, fanetidine, gravol, some anti spasmo)
and now trying to sleep
please let me taken off to the land of sleep soooooonn

In honour of this being my 100th post, i've decided to look back.

Reminenscence & recap - that will be the theme of this piece of prose. Hence, the song entitled "The Call". So hit the play button, sit back and slowly scroll down line by line.

In the 1.75 years that we've (this blog and me) been together, we gone through a number and variety of experiences.

• from studying in Down Under, Sunway and now JB;
• from being a meddie to working as a subsitute teacher & part time invigilator;
• from learning how to clark patients and take blood to having an allergic reaction, vertigo attacks & classmates involved in accidents,
• from organizing surprise birthday/farewell celebrations & theme Fridays e.g. Emo Day, Beachwear Day,School Day to having to work despite harsh condition, unforgiving circumstances, numerous assignements and studying for VIA
• from merely being in the background to not being afraid to use my GOD given talents when neccesary
• from living with family to living with friends (and of course, juggling housekeeping duties, cooking, shopping and budgeting with studies)

There've been other challenges too; spritually, mentally and emotionally -all of which are too close to my heart to divulge the details- but suffice to say, these were among some of the issues i faced

• giving up on GOD,
• giving up my faith,
• depression
• breakdowns

Thank GOD though for friends. In the time when things seemed the bleakest, help came. Slowly but surely, light broke through and the storm subsided.

As I entered medical school, i was extremly worried and anxious about the future, about medicine as a career, about university life, about friends. Because the call from Monash came in early January, my life literally changed overnight (or more like in a month's time). Though i put on a brave front, there was a very scared, lonely little girl on the inside, ready to burst out anytime. Everything was changing. But through it all, GOD was there guiding me on, like a dad holds on to his little girl as they walk through, toegether, just like the story of FOOTPRINTS.

Now, things are again changing, not as dramatically as before,but nevertheless changing... like a soft wind blows upon the waves, pushing the sails of the ship in another direction. most of my friends are either graduating, going to graduate soon or going overseas for studies. Close amigos are seperating slowly, thanks to the different currents of life. and yes, i feel happy for them but lonely that everyone's going on their own paths.

There has been one issue that has hung on since leaving high school until now. The issue of kindred spirits

• close friends, that share mosts interests
• they build you up and aren't afraid to tell u off when you're in the wrong,
• able to accompany you on your wild flights of fancies/imaginations.
• and are able to connect at a higher, more intimate level, kinda like a cross btwn best friends and siblings.

It wasn't so bad in Taylor's as i had some close friends there. but this area was one that was foremost in my mind in Aus and Sunway. I kept begging GOD "I need a kindred spirit" but none came. My friends too prayed, but still nothing happened

Just know that God is faithful in providing for ur every need. Everything He does is for a pretty good reason.though sometimes it may be hard to understand why its aking some time for u to find a kindred spirit.but continue sharing dis with God.it's only a matter of time when this a solution to dis concern is found

Then the answer came, not forcefully but in a gentle realisation.

With regards to the kindred spirit, i've just decided to enjoy the laughter, warmth and comfort of my friends so far... GOD's blessed me with lots of brothers and sisters that i need to treasure..and if there's anything especially pressing, i'll slowly see how it goes. i'm sure GOD knows what HE's doing and when to do it so why should i worry??

At times, i may seem worried and may bustle around but i think that we all need to remember that it is only because of GOD that we're here in the first place, that there's more to life than meets the eye, that no matter how much i may try to do things my way or want things before the correct timing, the Great Physician knows better

it's not in trying but in trusting
not in running but resting
not in wondering but in waiting that we find the strength of the LORD

confirms what God has been trying to tell me today. To not worry and fret about my life.to not overreact with God tells me 'no' or 'not yet'. I have to trust God. His ways are higher then my ways. He can see the big picture, not me so. hehe.I'll have to stop whining to God when He doesn't say 'yes' to my prayers.

So yeah... GOD has been with me thus far, and He is with me. And though at times, it's hard to believe it, but GOD, my Father, my, Guide, my Best Friend is looking out for me. so, He'll definitely be there, taking care of my future. Pretty long 100th post ehh? but this just came out from reflecting the many moments of God's grace. Definitely couldn't have made this far without HIM... so here's to YOU and YOU alone =)

YOU were there, though i couldn't see YOU,
if it were not for YOU, i wouldn't have survived,
though i was labelled as "too generous"
though ppl think that i've got anger management issues
...thanks to me digging my own grave,

in all honesty, it is YOU and YOU alone, couldn't have done it without YOU,
truly all glory, honour, power and majesty goes to YOU and YOU alone,

THANK YOU GOD =)

The suddeness of it all...

In the heat of my excitement that David COok won the AI season 7,
in my exhausted state after returning home from morning ward rounds,
i saw this article on MSN..
and it left me speechless,

Steven Curtis Chapman's youngest daughter, Maria Sue, 5 years was struck and killed by a SUV driven by her brother in their driveway. Maria was third of 3 young Chinese girls who were adopted by the Chapmans (the other two being Shaohannah,8 and Stevey Joy,6)
What's worse was that several family members saw the incident.
I honestly don't know what must be going through their minds
neither do i know what to say..
i mean come on, the chances of any of the Chapmans reading my blog is extremly slim.
but Steven being one of the huge musical influences in my life, like Planetshakers, Don Moen and the rest at Hosanna! music...... this news just strikes closer to home i suppose

the Chapmans have gone through many storms before and they've survived this far only with GOD"s help . This particular storm will be the worst yet, but i believe that GOD will see them through.
To Steven and family, my prayer are with you.

© 2007 Tucker Photography.(Left to right Will Franklin, Maria, Steven, Shaoey, Mary Beth, Stevey Joy, Caleb and Emily)

Daughter of Christian music star killed by car

May 22, 2008, 6:30 AM EST

The 5-year-old daughter of Grammy-winning Christian music star Steven Curtis Chapman was struck and killed Wednesday by a sport utility vehicle driven by her brother, authorities said. The girl, Maria Sue, was hit in the driveway of the family's home Wednesday afternoon by a Toyota Land Cruiser driven by her teenage brother, said Laura McPherson, a spokeswoman for the Tennessee Highway Patrol.

The brother, whose name and exact age weren't available, apparently did not see the girl, McPherson said. No charges are expected. "It looks like a tragic accident," she said.

Several family members witnessed the accident, which happened in Williamson County just south of Nashville. The girl died later at Vanderbilt University Medical Center in Nashville, hospital spokeswoman Laurie Holloway said.

In a statement, Velvet Kelm, a publicist for Chapman, said Maria was the Chapmans' youngest daughter. Chapman, who is originally from Paducah, Ky., and his wife have promoted international adoption and have three daughters from China, including Maria. They also have three biological children. The singer's Web site says the couple was persuaded by their oldest daughter to adopt a girl from China. The experience led the family to adopt two more children and create Shaohannah's Hope, a foundation and ministry to financially assist thousands of couples in adoption.

The Chapmans did missionary work at Chinese orphanages in 2006 and 2007, according to the Web site. "After our first trip to China, my wife and I knew our lives were changing — our eyes and hearts were opening to how big God really is, and we have wanted to experience more of that," Chapman says on the Web site. "We've really wondered whether or not we should just go to China and stay there. But I don't think so. I believe God is saying, 'I want you to go, get your heart broken, your eyes opened, and then take this story back to the church in America and around the world.'"

The 45-year-old singer also has released a book about being a father titled "Cinderella: The Love of Daddy and his Princess." He has won five Grammy awards and 54 Dove awards from the Gospel Music Association, according to Kelm.
Copyright 2008 Associated Press. http://www.music.msn.com/music/article.aspx?news=315536&GT1=7702